My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
#FunnyLife Insects
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.