Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
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Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.