My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
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ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.