God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!