[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
You Might Also Like
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.