You Might Also Like
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
How all things should be taught/explained.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Me in tagged photos
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
yea so i messed up lol