Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
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On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Ken is short for chicken
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.