A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
You Might Also Like
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.