*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
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I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
I support this random dude and all his protests
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?