my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My birth announcement for our third baby
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.