Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
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Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.