I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
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Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
May have had one breakfast too many
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?