Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
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My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
R.I.P.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
I just tested negative for patience.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”