Tell me you get it…🤣
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
back to work
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.