When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
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[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!