Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
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one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
a fate I wish upon no one
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..