[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
A man of commitment.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
They must have gotten it to go.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one