All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
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Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Interior design 👌
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
I’m Sold!