If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
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me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.