DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
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Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.