The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.