Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
You Might Also Like
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Not all heroes wear capes.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.