Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
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[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Life with a cat in one tweet
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof