Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
only 11 steps left
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
the world’s most popular steaming services
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Don’t we all.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.