Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.