Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
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ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
This sounds bad:
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.