Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
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I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
titanic
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Monday
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.