I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
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My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.