[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..