(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
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In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.