Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
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If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
OMG 🤣🤣
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.