15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.