Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
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her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
FINE, I WON’T.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you