If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
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Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Smile they said.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym