my first day as a raccoon
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
a fate I wish upon no one
I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen