Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice