I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.