I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
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Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold