Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
You Might Also Like
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.