The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
When you kidnap a writer.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.