I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.