Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
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what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old