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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”