Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
You Might Also Like
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……