Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m good, thanks.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat