My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
everyone’s a critic