If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
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Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”