The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
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I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.