We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
🤣😂
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Gods work.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”