Oh thanks BBC.
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Every photo I’m tagged in
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda